Sex is a physical thing for some individuals, a question of bodies, touches, and experiences. However, there is a psychological component for many of us. We want sex to have a narrative, a tale, a history, or a relationship between the people involved.
And while that dynamic can frequently be great, it can also be especially seductive when it’s a little more convoluted. Teachers aren’t supposed to seduce their students, and physicians aren’t supposed to feel up their patients in the real world. However, in erotic roleplaying, all the rules can be broken.
Changes in the rules of sexual consent are one approach to do this. This is the concept of a practice known as consensual non-consent, or CNC, in which players can enact scenarios of assault, abuse, or even rape in a way that is both agreeable and thrilling for all parties involved.
However, whether or not you’re familiar with CNC, if you practice any type of rough play in bed, it’s a good idea to know what safe words mean – they’re an important part of having a pleasant, healthy, and, well, safe experience. AskMen chatted with three sex experts about safe words, how to choose a good one, non-verbal types of safe words, and more to better understand how they operate
What Is the Definition of a Safe Word?
“A safe word is a word you use to signify that you’ve reached your boundaries and want to quit playing,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and host of the podcast “Sex With Dr. Jess.” “Play partners should stop what they’re doing and check in when you use your safe word.”
“The word ‘no’ or’stop’ in BDSM and kink can sometimes be part of the fun, and isn’t always an indicator that someone truly wants to stop,” says Kayla Lords, kink educator and co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “A safe word or gesture is something that doesn’t fit the setting and clears up any ambiguity about what a person is saying.”
According to Stephen Quaderer, CEO of ThotExperiment and author of the Headero app, “a safe word can be a word, phrase, sound, or even a hand or foot motion” that is “decided upon before engaging in sexual activity.” “The objective of a safe word is to communicate clearly and unambiguously that the individual using it no longer feels safe, no longer consents to continue engaging in sexual engagement or activity, or both.”
“If no safe word is decided upon,” Lords says, “then ‘no’ and’stop’ should always be regarded seriously.”
Safe phrases may be perceived as risqué by some because of their relationship with rough or kinky sex, but Quaderer sees them in a very positive light.
“It’s crucial to remember that safe words exist to protect safety and consent during a sexual engagement, but they’re also a gateway to all kinds of thrilling, uplifting, and joyous sexual encounters,” Quaderer says. “They provide you the opportunity to explore your interests with your partner(s) in a safe, consenting setting. It’s really liberating to realize this! A safe word is “permission to panic out while knowing you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your partner(s).”
What Is the Best Way to Use a Safe Word?
A safe term, in an ideal world, would be one that is never used. Everyone’s sex would unfold precisely how they intended it to, and there would never be any sense of danger, fear, or concern. Unfortunately, we don’t live in that society, and the safe word is like a lifeboat: you don’t want to need it, but having one is better than not having one.
“Safe words can be used when anything goes wrong — for example, when a bondage knot causes numbness or when a sexual position becomes painful — or when a partner has had enough and has reached their limit,” Lords says. “They can also be used when things doesn’t seem right, even if the partner who uses the safe word wants to keep going.” Bottom or submissive couples are the most likely to utilize a safe word, but tops and dominating partners can also use one.”
“You can use your safe word to halt or take a break at any time,” explains O’Reilly. “Good play partners will listen to your safe word and respect your boundaries.”
Lords agrees that safe words “can also give you a moment to pause, adjust, and start the moment over — either by doing something different or simply adjusting your kinky moment or body position.”
“While safe words are most commonly used in BDSM and other kink settings it’s healthy to set a safe word in all sexual engagements, regardless of whether BDSM or kink are part of your anticipated activities,” says Quaderer. “Having a safe word is an important way to ensure that everyone in a given sexual engagement is down with the scene throughout, so it definitely applies to all sexual settings.”
“Safe words aren’t a ‘get out of jail free’ pass,” Lords points out.
“Body language, facial emotions, sounds they make or absence of noise (if they’re normally chatty during sex or kink) are all signs that something is wrong,” she continues. “The partner who notices something is amiss (in most circumstances, the top or dominant) must pause and check in to make sure everything is fine.”
“They never said their safe word,” as Lords points out, “doesn’t totally absolve a partner of harm, especially if you perceive suffering and don’t stop to question.”
“Safe words are flawed because they’re easy to forget when you’re not used to using them, and there may be an uneasy feeling about halting the scenario,” she explains. “Some individuals are concerned that using a safe word and attempting to endure something that is causing harm — physical, mental, or emotional — will destroy the mood. There’s nothing wrong with using a safe word, but check-ins are crucial. Finding out later that one partner was unhappy destroys a mood — or having such a poor experience that you never want to do it again.”.
